I've been toying with an idea of writing about my everyday life with joint pain for some time.
I am 29 years old and have dealt with joint pain for nearly 4 years now, and while it doesn't entitle me to be any kind of an expert (well, I wish I was, so I can figure out what the blip is wrong with me..), I went through a lot (and still am), and cried myself to sleep many nights thinking if there were more people like me out there, maybe I didn't have to feel so hopeless, lost and alone.
The whole experience has really changed me. My lifestyle and the way I approach life changed, and eventually my personality did as well.
I can't do certain things that many others (including me; many years ago) my age take for granted, like running. I have to take medication twice every day, and do some form of physical therapy every day. Miss a day or even half a day, existing starts to get really painful.
I became more "lady-like", since I have to walk VERY slow, take taxi everywhere or not go out at all, and get to bed early. I also have to take frequent breaks from work. Pain management has to take top priority in my life, because I know that without it, my life literally cannot go on.
Life is a give and take. Or at least we would like to think so. One of the exercises for people with depression is to come up with a list of things they like but can't do/have (the reason they are depressed), then coming up with the same or more number of different things that makes them happy which they CAN do/have. You start doing those things you CAN do and getting things you CAN have every day, and voila, life is not so depressing anymore. I had to go through that exercise when I was dog-gone depressed 4 years ago; bed-ridden, in constant, horrible pain, lost all three jobs, had to quit school, broke, and just went through the worst break-up of my life. You might think it can't possibly get any worse (and it will), but really, it CAN possibly get better too.
I eventually bounced back. Took me about 2 years, a move, and many thousand dollars in debt (mostly medical but included some retail therapy), but I was very happy for a little while, and the joint pain went into a kind of remission for about a year. Last year I moved to New York City for work. In about a couple of months my joint pain flared up again, and it all began, all over again.
Funny thing about my joint pain is, nobody can tell what's causing it. Sure it's from the inflammation in my cartilages, tendons and all the connective tissues, but why are they inflamed? They can't figure out exactly why. They say it's overused. Wear and tear. Stress. Misalignment. Incorrect posture. Blah. Blah. Blah..
When it hurts bad, it hurts like shit. Not only I become physically immobile, the constant pain cripples me psychologically as well. The vicious cycle turns its wheels and threatens to send me down the spiral that is the pit of despair.
When my joints are not hurting much, I feel generally good about myself and life, like I can do anything, tackle anything and accomplish everything. (This is the way I used to feel when I was "young" I suppose..) But oh how very wrong I am, and I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot take for granted to exist totally pain-free. I have to keep working at it whether I feel shitty or great that day, stay on track and keep steady pace, because this is my life now. I've been dealt this hand, and I have to do my best to live a happy life with it.
This is the diary of a young joint pain sufferer. It starts again today.
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